Thursday, December 31, 2009


"I know I'm still lucky to be in this situation... But the mere fact that I can't stop thinking of what could've been makes me feel oh so sad. Like I said, it's always a choice to be happy. But what if even happiness won't make itself an option? I guess it's just something I have to deal with... and all that's left to do is pray that in the long run, I will learn to get used to it."

4:30 PM, New Year's Eve
Bus Stop 27451
while waiting for the bus to the nearest shopping mall


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Fine. You're favorite line.

Want me to prove to you a lot could happen in just 10 days? Read on.

I have already moved out yesterday. It was once just a plan I never thought I’d really do. I am the type of person who does not easily give up but when I’m told to, I do. "Someone has to say it."

If you read below, I said ten days ago that I was pissed off with the situation and not the person. But after I talked to the person and tried to fix things up, and even tried to ask help for me not to give up, I am now angry with both the situation and unfortunately, with the person. And you know what? I just realized that when it’s pride you’re fighting with, it’ll knock you down. And it’s a slap on your face when pride reigns over love. Some people claim it’s all they got. The question is, has it done something good to you and to the people around you? If yes, were you really happy? Or just pretending to be happy? You wonder what’s wrong. Have you ever thought that maybe it’s because of your pride everything has gone wrong?


Well good luck to you and your pride. May it give you the happiness you think your unworthy family cannot give you. May you live happily ever after.

Monday, December 7, 2009


This afternoon, two of us from the company were interviewed by representatives from Personal Excellence about how it is living and working in Singapore. One of the questions was, "What motivated you to come here in Singapore?"

Then I just remembered WHO motivated me, and not WHAT. And unfortunately that person who was my main reason for coming here, is so far away from me right now. So near, yet so far. I'm afraid I might be giving up on this person. This person is just too strong to handle. It has been eight days and during these days I've been trying to find the perfect time to break the ice. But every time I try to, I keep seeing reasons not to. Not yet.

My heart is enraged. Not because of this person, but because of what I have to deal with right now. My family is my weakness. I may be coward at times, but in my mind and in my heart I would always try to defend whoever hurts anyone in my family. But the hardest part is when 'whoever' is also part of the family, the closest to me.

I really don't know what to do. I am so caught in the middle of a situation I never wanted to happen. I wonder why I had to deal with my mother's feelings all by myself. For a week I have been shedding tears every time I think of what's happening with my family right now. And it sucks giving my parents some false hope. It'll only be me who's coming home, Ma.

It's funny how someone you hate could make you turn against your family and blaming them for something they didn't even want to happen.

Well, a decision has been made. I just hope it won't make the situation worse. But to be honest? It's going to get worse. I'm just so scared.

We'll see what happens in the next few days or months.. If I continue to be unhappy here, I will move out. I know it's risky but I know it'll be easier that way. And I know so well that it'll be my loss. I'd rather live alone than live with someone who's mad at me and my family, someone who thinks that going home is not worth it. I wish she realizes how this is hurting me, how this is gonna affect my parents, and how I have to deal with my parents' feelings, something she claimed she does not care about. My friends say she's just mad. I know she's a smart person and I've always believed in her. But I don't know why this time I feel like she's making a huge mistake.

Pardon me for my scattered thoughts, I'm just so lost right now and unhappy.

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